Many times before I've complained of the symptoms of writer's block but that, I believe, is not my disease. In fact, I'm not sick at all. Not in that way, at least. A writer's block occurs when a writer can't write. I'm not sure which bothers me more: that I might be holding back because I'm scared to write what is really in my heart or that I don't know what it really is in my heart that I want to write or that I'm just lazy.
Let me let you in on a secret: All of my stories, the novels and comics and movies and whatnot in my head, are all the same. To clarify, they all have the same features:
A.) I come across similar characters all the time like the jovial tough guy or the kind-hearted girl with power or the ambiguous villain who thinks he's saving the world.
B.) I have an obsession with the concept of a false reality and characters finding out that their world isn't real or wondering if their world is real. I blame the Matrix for that.
C.) The revelation of the villain. While I like the idea of villains redeeming themselves in fiction I often find myself turning heroic characters into villains to the surprise of almost everyone. Not only that, but becoming godlike. It's like the Gnostic concept of God in the Old Testament, an evil or cruel God who created the world only to be defeated by the New Testament God and Jesus.
D.) Speaking of Jesus, I love putting godlike powers into human bodies. Turning everyone important into gods or, at least, superhumans is appealing to me.
E.) I'm obsessed with transformations. Some of you know I'm a huge werewolf fan and that I like the Hulk, anything that unleashes inner rage in a nasty phsyical form with muscles, claws, and fangs. But I like all sorts of transformations from the grand to the mundane, both external and internal. I love the idea of characters transforming their lives and viewpoints, or transforming how we see them through revelation.
F.) I have a love/hate relationship with death. On the one hand, I don't want to kill any characters off. I actually tend to start disliking a story when they kill of a character that I like (meanwhile letting the whiny protagonist and his characterless girlfriend live.) On the otherhand I always imagine grand death scenes and grander scenes of grief. Character X's girlfriend dies so he kills villain Y without thinking thus breaking his moral code. Character A saw her father die and she's so distraught that she tries to kill herself and only Character B can save her from this fate so that they can make out at an inopportune time.
To be honest I'm overexaggerating but when it comes to my stories nearly all of these features will come into play in one way or the other. That bugs the hell out of me. I am well aware that every artist has his themes he obsesses over. Hitchcock had an obsession with false accusation, even moreso than murder. Spielberg, much to a friends dismay, is obsessed with the image of a door of light and a silhouette of something stading in the doorway. I probably shouldn't worry too much but I do.
I feel like there's something I'm missing in all of this. Something that I can't seem to find within myself or within my past. A valve that will pour all of these ideas into one bowl so that they'll mix into a proper story.
But even if I find that valve, will everything I make be the same? Will it just be a matter of adding some extra flavor to the same old thing? Will I spend my writing career pouring out new Cokes? Coke, Cherry Coke, Coke Classic, Coca-cola with Lemon, Coca-cola with vanilla? Coca-colla with vanilla with black cherry?
And then there's the matter of getting an acutal writing career started. I worry too much and too early. I tire or bore easily and I am always in seach of "flow." Without the pressure of a deadline and a grade a la college creative writing that "flow" has retired to Florida. It isn't really there anymore.
Every night, like tonight, I go to bed thinking "Damn, I wasted another day." Not a single thing written or, if something has been written, then its no good.
I have no clear plan for getting my skills to where they need to be but I do know the first step. It's called "Get over myself." Just doing it, I believe, isn't going to work. I either can't or, more likely, don't want to force it. So what do I do? What am I missing? What am I holding back?
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