Today I turn 26 years old. That's how old I am. How old I feel however is a different matter.
Sometimes I feel older. I have aches and pains that seem incongruent to my actual age. I look at young people, my age or younger, and marvel at their choices and tastes. They confound me at times and always have. I have a taste for older movies and I'm developing an appreciation for jazz standards by the likes of Ella Fitzgerald.
But, more often than I feel older, I actually feel much younger. While my elderly side is simply a result of having gotten older, my young side seems to be a sort of arrest in my development. It's like I have one arm that is growing and changing at a normal rate while the other doesn't age at all with the exception of accumulating scars.
I think we're all like this in a way and that gives me a little solace. Many of the things that excited individuals as children still excite them as adults. I still have a fondness for cartoons even if I now prefer animation geared or appealing towards adults, but I always remember that I never would have developed such tastes had I not long ago decided that I didn't want to give cartoons up as I got older. Somehow I've found my way back to the career I chose in 3rd grade, cartoonist, although I'm still wondering if I'm just chasing rainbows (and how gold there will actually be in the pot at the end.)
More importantly, I still live at home with my parents and I work a job that is well below my actual abilities and certifications. Somewhere along the way I decided to take a summer vacation from school that has lasted almost three years. I'm even considering ending this pseudo-vacation to go back to school! Yes, I would be going back for a master's degree but what can one really do with a creative writing other than sell his soul to the devils of advertising? I haven't published anything substantial enough to justify teaching even at a high school level (not that one needs to do so.) And I couldn't give a kid an F unless he spat in my face. I'm too sympathetic to poor students as I have always been a poor student. (Yeah, man! Homework's for douche-bags! WOOOOO!)
I am sorry to bring you my depressing rants on a day that I ought to be happy but lets face it: like Christmas, birthdays lose all of their shine after childhood ends. Honestly, I think my presents-giving-and-receiving-days have gotten progressively less exciting since I was seven but that's mostly greed talking. A different subject we can look at some other day. I just wish that I could have woken up this morning and thought "Wow! It's my birthday! I'm 26! Look at all I've done! Look at what I'm doing! My life is great!" Instead I thought this: "I'm turning twenty fucking six and I still live at home with my parents. God help me." And for the many of you who feel the way I do, may God help you too. May God give us all at least one birthday to be happy about.
