Failure

Let me issue a warning: This is going to be another bit of rambling whining from me. I need to get this out so don't feel pressured to actually read this. Do, however, try to comment more. It sucks to put a blog out and get so few comments. One word responses are fine but I don't have a counter so I'd like to know that people are actually reading this.

So what am I complaining about? A lot of things.

Being an "anonymous" blogger is pretty troublesome. There are all sorts of things I want to talk about that I can't to preserve this wonderful mask that is "B." Either that or I can't find a way to talk about these things. I'm lazy so I don't want to take the time to do such things either.

Lately I also find myself increasingly unhappy with my own life. Again, a lot of this involves stuff that I don't even want to bring up out of fear that the wrong people with the right info will read this and respond accordingly. It is almost purely paranoid but its what works for me.

How can I sum this up? I know what I want out of life and I can't wait to get it, but I'm slow to do the work involved and sometimes I'm too lazy to do the work involved. A certain person especially tells me that I need to plan ahead and focus on the future to which I agree but when someone is harping on you it doesn't matter how much of it is true because that person needs to shut their yap and go find someone else to annoy.

There's nothing worse than wanting something and not knowing how to get it or even being afraid to get it. There's nothing worse than wanting to say something but being afraid to say it or being embarrassed to say it. If only we could be free of these limitations like time and reality and society. There are so many damned wall around us and they're made of various types of glass. They let us see what they want but they can't be raised or lowered. The walls have to be broken and the glass pieces that will be made are sure to be very sharp.

It's my fear of failure that does it. More than anything else I am afraid of messing up. I'm almost clinically kakorrhaphiophobic (say that three times fast.) And I'm afraid of embarassment too. That ties in well.

More and more reality is closing in on me. I'm beginning to give up on my real aspirations to settle and be like everyone else. EVERYONE ELSE IS MISERABLE. I feel badly now but I don't want to be like them. At least seeing that justifies my fears somewhat. But they say its worse to try and then fail then to never try at all and that sounds true.

But I also have this terrible conservative streak in me that is constantly telling me to be like everybody else. I suppose its an after-effect of being picked on and unpopular in school. I can't believe that its almost been a decade since high school and I still worry about fitting in. I'm a geek by nature. I don't want to fit in. But my instincts, which I cannot trust right now, keep telling me that someone will beat me up if I do what I want. That won't happen but I keep feeling like it's unsafe to do what I do or what I want to do. What if people don't like it? What if people don't want it? What if people ignore it?

What if I fail? What do I do?

My suffering is so petty but why does it feel so desperately strong?